I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize