everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
