Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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