he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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