I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
