Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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