I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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