there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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