I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize