Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
