I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
