Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
