I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
