I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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