moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
