I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
