I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
