I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
