i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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