im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
