my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
