Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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