I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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