Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize