I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
