someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
