Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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