i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
