You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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