I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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