Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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