Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
