Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
