I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
