I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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