I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
