Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
