The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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