Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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