Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Houston, we have a blender
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
