I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
