I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
