Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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