He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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