she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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