Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Boobs speak an international language.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
