Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
