paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
