He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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