Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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