**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
