I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
