i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
