i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize