Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
