Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
