im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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