I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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