It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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