Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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