I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
