it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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