i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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