I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
